Confession

In my last post I said I was “a veteran of two cancer diagnoses”.  The truth is I am really only a veteran of one diagnosis, not two.  This is because I am only just about to start on treatment for my second confrontation with cancer (and a completely different type) so I’m very much a novice again.

What has confounded me is the degree of shock I felt when told that what was thought to be Keratoacanthoma (KA) was actually squamous cell carcinoma (SCC). KA is a common skin tumour that has traditionally been regarded as benign, but some of these tumours have been seen to transform into SCC. Most KAs resolve spontaneously, but an underlying squamous cell carcinoma cannot be ruled out without removal of the tumor and microscopic evaluation. Mine did turn out to be SCC and the surgical excision could have meant that there was nothing more to worry about. However invasion by cancer in a nerve ending showed up. I am SO glad that I sought an expert opinion on what the pin-head sized spot that grew to the size of a pea in less than a week could be and had it removed immediately! Because of the nerve involvement I was referred to a radiation oncologist and radiotherapy was recommended.

I was really knocked about by this news and couldn’t make a decision until I’d given myself a chance to regroup.   It goes to show how deep the trauma went at my first diagnosis even though that was 19 years ago.  I believe I’m grieving the fact that my world has been turned upside down again and the fact that this is a very common form of skin cancer with little likelihood of there being anything to worry about down the track doesn’t make any difference at all to how I feel right now.

I feel as though I’m suffering PTSD all over again.  While I have calmed down a lot since deciding to go ahead with radiation treatment I’m still battling incredible fatigue and a decidedly fuzzy head.  I’ve misplaced my incredibly expensive Bulgari glasses (I’m sure I haven’t lost them; I just can’t find them) and a couple of days ago I did my grocery shopping only to discover when everything had been scanned at the check-out that I’d left my credit card wallet at home and didn’t have enough cash to pay for everything. Sigh…

I’m having to pay attention to everything that I used to talk about when I facilitated cancer support groups.  I’m trying to be gentle with myself and ask for help if I need it but this is much easier said than done!

Treatment starts in just over a week and will continue every day Monday to Friday for four weeks.  I’m not looking forward to it but I know that techniques have improved a lot in the past few years so it’s quite easy to only target the affected area and there’s much less likelihood of collateral damage.

So there it is – another detour on the journey of life that I would never have taken voluntarily but it’s happened and I will get through it with support from incredible friends and family.  And this time around I will let people know what I need so I won’t end up as a basket-case again, like I was last time.

© Jane Gillespie 2013  Author of  “Journey to Me”  www.yourlifecelebrated.com.au

Motivation

Noun: a feeling of enthusiasm, interest, or commitment that makes somebody want to do something, or something that causes such a feeling

What does motivation mean to you?  I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently, because whatever it is, I haven’t got it!  I seem to have lost my mojo and I want it back again.

About three months ago I had a small stroke.  The previous 18 months had been emotionally and physically draining, but I had finally been successful in obtaining funding for my daughter to move into full-time care.  She was happily settled into her new accommodation and that very day I’d cleared the last of her stuff out of her old home and posted the keys back to Department of Housing.  I was really incensed that this had happened to me just when I should have been able to sit back, take a breath and relax back into my own life.

I’ve been very lucky that I’ve fully recovered physically (well, 99% anyway) but I’m left feeling I can’t be bothered about doing anything.  I’m just managing to keep on top of projects I have with current clients but that’s about it.  My writing has gone by the board, my paperwork is in a mess and all I want to do is read (my preferred avoidance tactic).

Luckily for me a friend has invited me to work through Julia Cameron’s 12 week course, “The Artist’s Way”, with her and we started last night.  We both did this 10 years ago and I have a vague recollection of really enjoying the process, so I’m pinning my hopes on this being the kick-start I need to get my creative juices flowing again.  I know from experience that when that happens, everything else in my life flows more easily too.  Here are some of the things that seem like they’re impossible to achieve at the moment:

• Getting to the bottom of the ironing basket. Self-talk: lazy, useless, who cares anyway
• Updating my financial records for the Accountant so he can put in my tax return early for once.  It would be so good not to get that letter from the ATO saying that I have a deadline;
• Finishing the first edit and re-write of the first draft of my novel.  What on earth is stopping me?

I really hope that this course will help break me out of the cycle of blah that I’m stuck in right now.

Please share if you have any tips that work for you when you can’t seem to get out of your own way.

© Jane Gillespie 2013

http://www.yourlifecelebrated.com.au